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Monday, August 1, 2011


"SISTER WIVES is and always will be our main focus. But even Robyn is bringing up Warren Jeffs. With Polygamy being a hot topic on our blog, I will attempt to give you a quick overview of Weirdo Warren, currently on trial in TX for bigamy and sexual assault. I am just now tuning into this case, so bear with me.

WARREN STEED JEFFS - Is or was the current president of a controversial Mormon sect known as the Fun -damentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (or FLDS). (There’s a current argument over who is the president, we’ll get to that soon) As president and "Prophet, Seer and Revelator" of the organization, Jeffs wields considerable religious as well as secular power, in line with the FLDS Church's theocratic principles. In this organization, he was an absolute ruler; in this position, he was an absolute pervert. 

He was arrested in August 2006 in NV, and agreed to be taken to UT for trial. In May and July 2007 the State of AZ charged him with eight additional counts—including sexual conduct with minors and incest in two separate cases. His trial, which began early in September 2007 in St. George, UT, lasted less than a month, and on September 25 the verdict was read declaring him guilty of two counts of rape as an accomplice. On November 20, 2007 he was sentenced to imprisonment for 10 years to life and began serving his sentence at the Utah State Prison. Jeffs' conviction was reversed by Utah's Supreme Court on July 27, 2010 because of incorrect jury instructions. He has since been extradited to TX, where he is currently on trial for bigamy and sexual assault in connection with a raid on a West Texas ranch in 2008. 

He is convicted of rape as an accomplice for his role in marrying teenage girls to the kind of shady bachelor who drives a molester van—and not in an ironic way. He also faces charges of both incest and sexual conduct with minors, both in Arizona and Texas. Talk about running the gamut.

In May 2006, for fleeing prosecution in Utah, Warren Jeffs was named one the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted. He is far and away the biggest pussy ever to make that list. Jeffs proves the age-old adage that anyone can be famous, but to gain real notoriety you need to get caught getting it on with an eighth-grader. Just ask Roman Polanski or R. Kelly.

Warren Jeffs began to feel an inappropriate tingling sensation in the crotch of his magic Mormon underwear from the moment of his birth on December 3, 1955, a birthday he shares with Ozzy Osbourne, Daryl Hannah, and Anna Chlumsky, the girl who played the girl in My Girl. 

His given name, Warren Steed Jeffs, almost sort of makes him sound like a porn actor, along the lines of Jake Steed, star of such adult classics as Bottom Dweller 33 1/3 and What Happens Between My Tits Stays Between My Tits, though it’s likely that Warren Jeffs’ bread basket is a great deal smaller. 

Jeffs is the son of Rulon T. Jeffs, the original un- questioned omnipotent leader of the FLDS. Known to his followers by the creeptacularly pervball nickname “Uncle Rulon,” the elder Jeffs proved hornier than Tommy Lee on an ecstasy binge, fathering about 60 children with several dozen wives. Upon his death in 2002, In his new capacity, Warren Jeffs also held the title “President and Prophet, Seer and Revelator.” Warren Jeffs assumed his father’s place in the church, his father’s nickname, and, within one week, all but two of his father’s wives, one being his mother. This effectively made him “Uncle Brother Stepfather Warren.” After this, Jeffs continued to marry more women, many of whom were close relatives. Because of his claimed his descent from Jesus Christ and Joseph Smith, Jeffs has taught that his marriages are necessary to preserve his sacred bloodline of megalomaniacal incestuous child-molesting serial-sodomizing fugitives.   Any one of his prophecies, visions, and/or revelations would’ve gotten him 5-to-10 upstate. 

Not only did Warren Jeffs use his position to satisfy his own taste for the barely (and not even barely) legal, he also served it up to his buddies, who, you have to assume, couldn’t get dates for themselves and hadn’t ever heard of Craigslist personals. Because Jeffs was the only person in the church who could perform marriages, he was responsible for assigning wives to husbands—as luck would have it, he, himself, occasionally turned out to be assignee. He also had the authority to punish men by reassigning their wives, children, and homes to other men—again, as luck would have it, he himself occasionally turned out to be reassignee. 

By the time he was arrested, church members claim Jeffs had as many as 70 wives. This was in accordance with his “teaching” that the more wives a man has, the closer he is to divinity, and that a man needs at least three wives as a pre-requisite for admission to heaven. Of course, for most men, dealing with three wives at the same time would be a living hell, so it kind of evens out.

The FLDS exercises substantial if not complete control over the children born into the congregation. Male subjects are reported to have been frequently exiled from the church due to their alleged competition with the elder male members of the church for the limited number of suitable marriage candidates.

Allegations against Warren Jeffs began as early as July 2004, when his nephew Brent Jeffs filed a lawsuit claiming that his uncle—who, again, would also simultaneously become both his step-father and step-grandfather—took him to Brokeback Mountain, where he anally raped him when he was 5 or 6, and that Warren Jeffs' brothers, also named in the lawsuit, watched and participated in the abuse. Several other nephews began coming forward, who also implicated several of Jeffs’ brothers, who were also his stepsons. One of the alleged victims, Clayne Jeffs, committed suicide with a firearm after accusing Warren Jeffs of sexually assaulting him as a child. It took the Utah D.A.’s office the better part of a year to untangle this incestuous hairball of consanguinity. 

In June 2005, Jeffs was charged with sexual assault on a minor and with conspiracy to commit sexual misconduct with a minor for allegedly arranging, in April 2001, a marriage between a 14-year-old girl and her 19-year-old first cousin, Allen. The girl, Elissa Wall (then only known as "Jane Doe IV") testified that she begged "Uncle Rulon" to let her wait until she was older, or choose another man for her. Rulon Jeffs was apparently "sympathetic", but Warren Jeffs was not, and she was forced to go through with the marriage. The 14-year-old alleged that her new husband raped her repeatedly and that she repeatedly miscarried. She eventually left Allen and the community and had two children with her now former husband Lamont Barlow. Jeffs faced the above charges in Mohave County, AZ. In July 2005, the Arizona Attorney General's office distributed wanted posters offering $10,000 for information leading to Jeffs' arrest and conviction. Yeah, they can arrest you for that. At least until UT, AZ, or TX passes the law legalizing conspiracy to commit sexual misconduct with a minor for “medicinal purposes only,” better known as Proposition 6914. 

Jeffs spent the better parts of 2005 and 2006 facing, unlawfully fleeing, and then ultimately hiding from, various statutory rape charges.Interestingly enough, he actually resurfaced in June 2006, for one day, to perform more child bride ceremonies. To many, this was the extralegal underage wedding officiates equivalent of the Beatles’ famous impromptu rooftop concert. 

On August 28, 2006, after nearly two years on the lam, Warren Jeffs was apprehended during a routine traffic stop of his Cadillac Escalade, a vehicle driven almost exclusively by perverts. 

Already serving 10 years in UT, and awaiting trial in AZ, Warren Jeffs’ name also started to surface in the wake of Child Protective Services’ raid on the Yearning for Zion Ranch in Eldorado, TX. In late May 2008, as part of the court case involving the removal of 416 children from the YFZ Ranch, photos were introduced that depict Jeffs totally French kissing his then 12- and 14-year-old wives. These photos comprise the skeeviest exhibits in the history of American jurisprudence. (See Below)

Oh, yeah-  If all that wasn’t enough, Warren Jeffs also embezzled untold sums from the FLDS trust fund. Until courts in Utah intervened, Jeffs controlled almost all of the land in Colorado City, AZ, and Hildale, UT, which was part of a church trust, the United Effort Plan (UEP). The land has been estimated to be worth over $100 million. Currently, all UEP assets are in the custody of the Utah court system pending further litigation.

In what may be the creepiest court exhibits ever, TX officials released photos of Warren Jeffs in intimate clinches with two underage girls, his wives, 14 and 12 at the time of their marriage. Jeffs is pictured with a girl named Loretta in three photos, which were snapped in January 2005 and recorded the couple's "First Anniversary." The other pictures show Jeffs, now 55, in July 2006 photos with a girl named Merriane, who was 12 at the time. In the photos, Jeffs is passionately kissing both girls. 

Enough Said to Get You Started? ** NOTE, Sister Wives belong to the AUB, which broke off from the FLDS 60 yrs ago, although the FLDS like to claim them, the AUB sure doesn't want a thing to do with them!
(Parts and pieces shamelessly taken from: http://www.dickipedia.org/dick.php?title=Warren_Jeffs and  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warren_Jeffs, Smoking Gun)


  1. I 'bout peed my pants reading this. You may have 'shamelessly stolen' and pieced together, but it is hysterical! Good job!

  2. This is the natural evolution of polygamy as practiced by a theocratic society. These problems are absolutely no different than the problems found within Muslim polygamy. Child brides are a necessity, because if you allow the females to mature, and fail to drive the younger men away, the females will always choose a love match with someone closer to their age.

    The women of the FLDS should be prosecuted for turning their children over to be raped by these men, in exchange for heavenly brownie points. Big ball of crack/heavenly brownie points, makes no difference; they are still pimping out their children for abuse.

  3. It is incomprehensible to me that anyone could consider this pedophile a prophet or to think that he speaks for G-d. He is a psychologically disturbed, narcissistic, power-hungry child-molester. I hope he never gets out of prison.

  4. Supposedly there is an audiotape of Jeffs raping his 13 yr old bride which will be played in court. When the tape is aired for the jury, expect that he will be put away in the slammer for good.

  5. From baby on, the girls are told to please the man, for doing so they please God.In every way.

  6. Now, from those of you in the know- how does this differ from the AUB? Or does it? The claim they do. I still see similarities. Great Comments!

  7. I know you snip snapped this together, nevertheless, what a riot!

  8. i never followed this- but this funny piece caught me up!