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Friday, December 9, 2011

The True Meaning of the Season: Holiday Movies We’d Actually Watch



"78 LB. TURKEY.... BWAHAHAHAH

The True Meaning of the Season: Holiday Movies We’d Actually Watch


Another weekend, another batch of Christmas-themed movies, new or rebroadcast. On the Hallmark Channel, you can see fare like “All I Want for Christmas” and “Annie Claus Is Coming to Town.” On Lifetime, there’s “A Nanny for Christmas” and “Holiday in Your Heart,” among others. You know the ingredients: a single parent, a plucky child or two, a hardship of some kind, a serendipitous meeting that leads to love.
Yet with all this, you may find there are still some stories that have not appeared on anyone’s schedule. Here are five Christmas movies I’d like to see. Feel free to add your own:

A Tantrum for the Holidays A well-known TV star on an airplane flight forces the pilot to abort his takeoff and prompts a nationwide military alert because he won’t stop playing games on his cellphone. While cooling off in the airport’s Naughty Room, he meets a pretty single mother whose bright but emotionally fragile son can’t get past Level 49 of Angry Birds. While awaiting arraignment, they learn that the true meaning of Christmas has nothing to do with whether you have upgraded to the iPhone 4S. Alec Baldwin stars in this heartwarming holiday tale, filmed entirely at Newark Liberty International Airport.

Naked Came the Santa A talentless, troubled starlet uses the time between prison sentences to pose naked for a has-been girlie magazine. While doing the shoot, she meets a down-on-his-luck photographer’s assistant, a single dad who just a few months earlier was riding high as the showrunner for a TV series based on the magazine but was demoted when it proved to be the most embarrassing offering of the fall season. While waiting for someone to leak the nudie snaps to the tabloids, they realize that the true meaning of Christmas has little to do with getting your picture taken while wearing nothing but an elf’s hat. Lindsay Lohan stars in this inspiring story of degradation and wasted opportunities.


The 78-Pound Turkey A glum polygamist who by unfortunate coincidence is both newly widowed and newly divorced realizes that with all those major life events there is no way he’s going to be able to do his income taxes himself this year. The pretty young accountant he hires to help him was conceived using a sperm donor and has just learned that she has 73 half-brothers and half-sisters. Together they realize they don’t have nearly enough place settings to accommodate the whole family for the holiday dinner, and that the true meaning of Christmas has nothing to do with how many marriage licenses you have. Kody Brown of “Sister Wives” stars in this feel-good story of rampant overpopulation.

The Christmas Candidate A former presidential candidate, who dropped out of the race after the number of women accusing him of improper behavior reached three figures, takes a job as a department-store Santa just to pay the bills. The first elf he makes a pass at, a single mother whose three kids are sitting right there, decides to teach him a whimsical lesson and sends each of the kids up to Santa’s lap to ask for hush money. Together they discover that while no one likes any of the current candidates, everyone would vote for Santa, and he re-enters the race and wins in a landslide. Together they learn that the true meaning of Christmas is basically irrelevant in the down-and-dirty world of politics. The real-life Republican candidates all have cameos in this delightful tale of image manipulation and opportunism.

Holiday Hook Shot A wealthy basketball star whose wife divorced him when she thought the N.B.A. season would be canceled because of a labor dispute lets himself fall out of playing condition by drowning his sorrows in eggnog and Hostess cupcakes. When the strike is settled, the gorgeous personal trainer he hires in a desperate effort to get back in shape convinces him that the best exercise, besides sex, of course, is to use his money to spread Christmas cheer, mostly to car dealers by buying expensive automobiles. Together they learn that whatever the true meaning of Christmas is, gas guzzlers have considerably more leg room than those puny hybrids. The Harlem Globetrotters play the role of the basketball team in this moving story of greed and calorie consumption.
Now, your turn. Can you think of any Holiday Movies starring the Sister Wives?


(Source:  http://artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/12/09/the-true-meaning-of-the-season-holiday-movies-wed-actually-watch/)

18 comments:

  1. Okay, this was hilarious and I bet Kody will really love that he is popular enough to have been included in this menagerie on NYtimes.com.

    Here is my try:

    A Wonderful Wife
    Depressed that his hormonal reaction to his newest and youngest wife has begun to subside, a polygamist enlists the help of his 21 person immediate family to find a new bride for Christmas. Upset that she is being replaced, the 4th wife leaves on a rampage and says "I wish that I were never born." Unaffected by her temper tantrum, the polygamist sets out to find a newer, prettier, and even skinnier wife. Wanting to be involved, the three first wives help the polygamist by throwing a huge family Christmas party so that he can reacquaint himself with some of his wives' cousins (some of which are also his own cousins). Together they come together and realize that the true meaning of Christmas really is all about family and coming closer together. In that spirit, the polygamist decides that he should marry each of the 468 female cousins. Kody Brown of "Sister Wives" stars in this spiritual and bond-invoking flick that reminds us all how lucky we are not to actually know this guy.

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  2. Good one! EXCELLENT!! Makes you happy to be single, too!!

    I wish I was as witty as many of you. I am too slow on the draw.

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  3. Cody shirtless...excuse me while I vomit.

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  4. hahahah And those shoulders!!! I've got one:

    An Officer and a Gentleman'
    A Polygamist and his Harem......

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  5. KodysLexus JanellesJalopyDecember 9, 2011 at 5:08 PM

    And at the end of It's a Wonderful Wife, an adorable little girl says, "Every time a bell rings, a new Sister Wife enters 'The Principle'". Awwwwww......

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  6. KodysLexus JanellesJalopyDecember 9, 2011 at 5:18 PM

    Here's my Holiday Movie.....A Kody Brown Christmas....Kody spends his holiday season looking for the true meaning of polygamy. Is it a way to the celestial kingdom or is it the commercialized path to fame and fortune? Kody spends a lot of time searching for answers to his deep questions, but gives up in frustration by shouting, "Isn't there anyone who can tell me what Polygamy is all about?!?!". Robyn steps in to remind him that it isn't about the sex. Then, all the Browns dance odd dance moves around the piano and shout, "Merry Christmas, Kody Brown! ". The end.....I crack myself up! Lol!

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  7. hahahah!!!!


    hmmm......
    I have a good title for the Brown adults to be in...

    "Nightmare on Elm Street"

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  8. I forever ruined my favorite little show

    "Christmas eve on Sesame Street"
    trying to come up with something cute!

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  9. Terrasola,
    Your poem on the site is wonderful. You inspired me, but certainly not to post anywhere near your stellar offering.

    Looking at Kodouche's pic is interesting...between the sloping shoulders and that maniacal grin....!!

    Twas the night before Christmas and all through the Browns...
    Each wife was wondering as Kris Kody made his rounds.

    Would she be "the one", would she be his pick..
    Would she be the one to do the best trick.
    (You all thought I would go for the easy rhyme or two here, huh?!! lol)

    He came in with in a flourish, he came in with a wink..
    He did his usual *routine* and then he left in a blink.

    Now cleaning and scrubbing, and birthing and tears..
    Surely must mean something for all of their years.

    But Kody is agile, he beds each with a flurry
    Robyn and Chrissy and Janelle and Meri.

    He is the Sperm King, he really must dash..
    Merry Christmas to all...it's all about the cash.

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  10. Come on now. Kody weighs more than that.

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  11. There is a movie called "The 12 Dogs of Christmas" in it, the girl decides to use dogs to teach people about the true meaning of Christmas.

    Mine is called "The 12 Wives of Christmas" where each wife gets to tell what their "special purpose" in the family is!!!LOL

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  12. another one

    "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"
    is now "I saw the other Wife kissing Kody!!"

    Christine decides to be as naughty as she can be until she drives Robyn to the North Pole!

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  13. Frosty the snowman

    Kody the hair man

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  14. "Miracle on 3 or 4 Streets"

    The Browns find enough money in their budgets to buy Christmas presents, including store-bought pyjamas, for everyone AND to fund Christmas dinners at all the wives' houses. Alas, the Lexus had to be sold to fund the holiday and to teach Kody the true meaning of "finite resources".

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