UPDATE: Polygamy, USA: The Priesthood Council and God Has Spoken

What a "fun" episode this was. First, there was Centennial Park Mike reading this sermon how women who do not live the Principle of Plural Marriage will doom their daughters to live as harlots. Then there was Ezra nervously contemplating  having his non-plyg girlfriend  meet his parents. And finally, there was the continuing saga of Hyrum - the longest serving missionary in Centennial Park. Will he finally graduate from his mission or will the Brethren condemn him to one more year because he can't be bothered to shave every morning?

Well, let's get started, shall we?

CP Mike thinking about how it rubs the lotion on it's skin...

There was something very creepy about CP Mike  reading that sermon about harlots to his small children as if it was a bedtime story. Not only was it inappropriate for children, it was a nightmarish depiction of  what supposedly happens when a woman chooses monogamy.  It was BRAINWASHING, plain and simple. Who uses the word harlot in the 21st century? 

Does anyone else think that book CP Mike was reading from was the collected sermons of Warren Jeffs? It just sounded so eerily like him.

But wait, the creepiness doesn't just end there. We get to see the Cawleys plan their grocery shopping for the week. Now if you've seen this episode, you're already aware of the "applesauce" incident where poor 1st wife Rose had to tell her strong priesthood holder that they needed more applesauce. Let's just say the look of fear on Rose's face says it all. As CP Mike bemoans, in that creepy monotone voice of his, about how expensive food supplies are and how he budgets $5-600 dollars each week, I'm thinking that figure is way too low.  I figure at least $200 for each adult, so that's over $800 when you factor in the teens. Later, when CP Mike tells us he paid about $900, I'm thinking, yeah, that sounds about right. Dude, you need to redo your budget!

Seriously, they could cut their grocery costs by economizing on some non-food items. Like, instead of buying disposable diapers, investing in cotton diapers. And maybe checking out the Duggar's website for some great instructions on making laundry soap. And how about growing vegetables and having some chickens in the backyard. It just seems so backwards to grind their own wheat but then spend money buying expensive, non reusable disposable diapers. There's a lot they could do to cut costs if they really wanted!

But back to the show. It's CP Mike's 2nd wife Connie's birthday and he takes her to a nice restaurant to celebrate. CP Mike is just...so...hopelessly....nerdy. I just felt so sorry for Connie (who I think is CP Mike's favorite wife by the way) when he broke it to her that, not only could she not have just anything on the menu, she also had to go back to work. Even though her words said she agreed with CP Mike's decision, her facial expressions clearly did not. And when she mentioned she didn't think her sisterwife Rose could handle being responsible for 9 kids every day, oh boy...that's the way to throw a sister wife under the bus, Connie! I mean, bonus daughter Rose Marie is 18 now. If she's old enough to be on the lookout for a husband, she should be able to help out her mother with the young kids, right?

Which leads us directly to Ezra, Uncle Art's ne'er do well, unmarried son. The way I see it, Ezra has a lot in common with his missionary positioned cousin Hyrum. They both like to wear facial hair. They both live at home, and they both possess those Hammon brows. But where the two cousins part ways is the fact that Ezra has a girlfriend. When Ezra picks her up for a date, he gets out of the car and goes to her door. And most important, HE wants to marry her.

Now before I continue, I must get something off my ample chest. Am I the only viewer who did not realize that Ezra's mother was only 43 years old and that she looks pregnant? Frankly, I thought she just had a case of middle age spread, but after I watched this episode, it suddenly dawned on me...Holy Toledo! We still have not met wife #3 yet, although I've heard rumors that she opted not to appear. Psst....I think old Uncle Art has more than 3 wives, too. What a virile stud he is!!

But I digress...

While Ezra was picking up Tiffany, his mothers (and sisters) were busy making dinner. As the family assembled around the table, it became apparent Ezra was running late. Seems that's another trait he shares with his cousin Hyrum.  Uncle Art seemed nervous while waiting for Ezra to arrive. When Ezra finally showed up, Uncle Art ordered his family to be respectful and then asked Ezra to introduce Tiffany to the family.

Surprise, Surprise! Uncle Art was actually quite charming with Tiffany. He's not so scary after all she thinks. I'm thinking old Art is being nice because he figures if Tiffany smartens up she'll dump that lazy lug Ezra and marry him instead. But seriously, Uncle Art doesn't think Ezra's relationship with Tiffany will last because it's built on love. And love fades quickly, especially if the guy doesn't have a pot to you know what in.

Which leads us directly to Ezra's cousin Hyrum.

While Hyrum was dutifully sweeping the street and barking orders to his clean up crew, he gets a phone call from the Brethren Office.  Now if this had been the Housewives of Centennial Park, Hyrum would have answered the call on speakerphone. Unfortunately, it's not so we only got to hear Hyrum's side of the conversation. Luckily, Hyrum's fellow street sweeper was still standing nearby, so in typical reality show style he starts a conversation that will fill us (the audience) in on what that call was about.

Dude, you're getting married!
Dude, I don't think so...
Dude, how many times does the Brethren call you?
Dude, more times than I want to admit on camera...

Hey you two Dudes! How about sweeping that gutter with a little more gusto cuz I'm still seeing a lot of dirt and leaves. Hop to it or I'll throw my Louboutins at your lazy ass heads!

Did I sound like Uncle Art? At least I didn't call them SOBs and sorry bastards but then again they aren't horses, are they?

Hyrum nervously rubbing the manly stubble on his face

Later, Hyrum moseyed on over to the Brethren Office, located in an unassuming building. In another typical reality show scripted moment, Hyrum finds out his time as a missionary has finally come to an end. The conversation is stilted, and just weird with Hyrum smiling while nervously rubbing the thick manly stubble on his face. No wonder the producers had the narrator explain that the "conversation" may seem obscure to outsiders.   Let's just hope Hyrum was a better missionary than an actor.

A few days later, Hyrum hits the jackpot. A young daughter of Zion has had a revelation she should be married to Hyrum. When she turned 18, she passed Hyrum's name to the Brethren, and now that Hyrum has been released from the missionary program, he finds out he's getting married!

But Hyrum does not look happy. In fact, he looks rather resigned. It became obvious Kellie was not one of the girl's he was expecting (ah....poor baby!) but rather than pout about it, he put on a semi-happy face. When we meet Kellie in the next scene, it soon became apparent why Hyrum was less than enthusiastic. And it really shows when Hyrum picks up Kellie for their "first date". Instead of walking up to her door, he just sat in his truck and she had to walk over to his truck and climb into it.

Now, when I was growing up, if a guy came to pick me up for a date and he honked his horn when he arrived, guess what? Yep, my Dad would not let me go out the door; that guy HAD to come to the door, and meet my Dad before taking me off on the date. Behavior like that is not only disrespectful to the girl, but to her family as well.

The Brethren made their decision, and Kellie, who apparently has been crushing on Hyrum since the 10th grade, gets to marry the man of her dreams after only 'courting' him after 14 days. This is how marriages are done in Centennial Park. But I think Hyrum's optimistically  looking on the bright side. If  his first wife was fulfilling his duty to God, perhaps he can still find his true love in a future wife.

Yep, I think I'm beginning to figure out the Centennial Park version of plural marriage. Accumulate wives until you find your true love, then accumulate some more.

It will be interesting to see how this saga between cousins Hyrum and Ezra will play out.


Polygamy, USA: God Has Spoken


In this episode, we continue the saga of several of Centennial Park's young folk: Graduated Missionary Hyrum; Ne'er Do Well Ezra; and Devoted Daughter Rose Marie whose quest for a husband seems to be at a standstill.

Plain and simple, Ezra has problems. A high school drop out, he yearns to be somebody. He wants to be noticed in his community, to be looked up to, to be a leader. But he just doesn't know how to go about it. He had a truck but when it broke down, he left it abandoned on the side of the road. And when Uncle Art waste his time and gas to haul Ezra's sorry azz to Salt Lake City, he wasn't even responsible enough to make sure he had his truck keys with him in order to retrieve his belongings from the locked truck. And now he wants to get married but he doesn't have a job and lives with his parents. The kid is an irresponsible mess.

The icing on this cake is Ezra still wants to live the Principle of Plural Marriage in Centennial Park. AND he desperately wants to get married, NOW. So he makes an appointment with the Brethren to plead his case.

I really don't know what Ezra expected the Brethren to tell him. When he returned from his meeting, he jokingly told Tiffany they were getting married, then quickly told her the truth. It seems the Brethren want Ezra to grow up before getting married. He must first find a place to live AND have $10,000 in the bank before they would approve of him getting married.

Even when you view Ezra and Tiffany's plight through a monogamist's  eyeglasses, it is obvious these two "lovers" are way too immature to be contemplating marriage. On one hand, Ezra tries to act like a macho man, but instead of looking for a job, we see him lying on his bed with a TV remote in his hand. And I get the impression that Ezra's idea of his father helping him out is being handed $10,000 and a house. 

But Uncle Art will not be fooled. He laid it out:  Ezra is in LUST. 

I think Uncle Art does care about Tiffany's well being and, like the other Brethren, know  where this is all going end. In this case, I can see the wisdom of the Priesthood Council. Marriage is for now and eternity for them. If Ezra marries Tiffany, their marriage might last a year or two, at most.

And where are Tiffany's parents in all this?

The Brethren have given Tiffany a gift: she should thank them and walk away before she gets hurt.

Later, Ezra is offered a job in North Dakota. Now, if he was a mature adult, he would tell his father he's leaving for a job in North Dakota. But when he does tell his father, it's to ask his permission - no doubt hoping Uncle Art will relent and give him the $10,000 so he can stay in Centennial Park. So it must have come to a big surprise to Ezra when his father implied North Dakota didn't sound like a bad idea after all.

So we the viewers are left with a cliffhanger: Will Ezra leave for North Dakota? Tune in next week to find out.

Let's segue to something more light-hearted. Yep, I'm talkin' Hyrum's bachelor party! Oh yeah, and Kellie's bachelorette mani/pedi party with Rose Marie, the Thomson wives and two friends.

Here's a brief summary:

There were no strippers, and Hyrum can throwback a shot of tequila like a champ.

Kellie says she knows enough about Hyrum to marry him, and can't wait to be best friends with her sisterwives. She also knows exactly what she wants on her french tips.

Hyrum thinks Kellie "is sweet", but also thinks there might be some "sharks ready to eat his legs off"  once he ventures into the deep end of the pool called marriage.


[Sorry, but I can't stand it when Marleen takes that sanctimonious tone of voice when she talks about how having sister wives is how women work out their salvation.]

Hyrum speculates his future to his posse by saying that he will get married and nine months later she will give birth.

Kellie feels that the one thing she and Hyrum have in common is their passion for their religion and that will make things easier for them.

I'm happy to hear there's SOME passion going on between Hyrum and Kellie!

Is it me or does Rose Marie sound more mature than Kellie? Rose Marie sounds like she knows what is expected of a wife -- making lots and lots of babies (no doubt courtesy of her father), but Kellie seems to ignore that part. She gives the impression that marriage is a big sorority party where she can hang out and be best buds with her sisterwives.

OK, the fainthearted may want to skip the next paragraph. This will be my opinion, and your mileage may vary...if you know what I mean.

My impression of Kellie is that she was not very popular in school and stayed in the background -- a lot. She saw Hyrum, and immediately fell into unrequited love. Luckily for her, she belonged in a religion where SHE could pick her husband. When the time came for her to submit a name, it was a no brainer: she said Hyrum...and lo and behold, it was approved. The problem is, she's emotionally stuck at being 13-14 years old. She's like a child, more concerned with putting
flowers on her french tipped nails. She thinks her sisterwives will be her friends, but probably hasn't given a thought  if they become her adversary instead. I'm sure she'll pray about it and repeating Marleen's words - this is how she will work out her salvation. And if Hyrum's unhappy, he'll just get another wife, but Kellie will be stuck in a marriage based on duty to husband and home and having lots and lots of babies. She will find solace in her religion, and her husband will find solace in another woman. What a sad life to look forward to...

BUT...Hyrum and Kellie do tie the old knot, although I would have loved to see the ceremony. My guess is there was a lot of giggling going on by the bride.

In one of the most romantic acts by a husband ever seen on a reality show (take notes ABC's The Bachelor), Hyrum prepared a "tree of life" up on sacred Berry Knoll to show his devotion to his new bride. There were ribbons to signify Hyrum and Kellie being tied together from this life into the next. An empty picture frame that they will fill with pictures of their children. An oil lamp to represent being sealed together forever and Hyrum's priesthood to show them the way. And a bowl of fruit that signifies Hyrum providing the things Kellie will need to sustain her through their life together, even through the rotting of their flesh into dust (oops, I think Hyrum had a TMI moment there)

And what did Kellie do throughout his presentation? She giggled....

I wonder if  Hyrum will do another tree of life for his next wives?

OK, that leaves us with Rose Marie, who unfortunately has not received any revelation which man she should marry.

She approaches her future duty as a wife like she was preparing for her final exams in school. Practice making dinner for  twenty to thirty people. Practice taking care of kids. Practice running the household. Practice. Practice. Practice. She wants the family not the man. Practice. Practice. Practice.

She's ready to step away from her father's family, but she can't until she gets that doggone revelation. Why won't her husband's name pop into her head, like what happened to Kellie? Why? Why? WHY???

If you ask me, I think God is telling Rose Marie maybe she should be doing something else instead of being married right now. Like learning about the world and meeting new, different people. Maybe God is telling her she needs to further her education, and then perhaps, that name will be revealed to her.

After some thought, she decides to put her fate into the hands of the Brethren. She only hopes the man the Brethren come up with is not too old, and is pleasing to the eye. Fat chance, Rose Marie. You're going to marry...Uncle Art!! But just like the Ezra saga, we'll find out what happens in next week's episode.

The rest of this episode was mainly fillers.

At a dinner party hosted by the "Thomsons", we were introduced to a recent convert to plural marriage and his two wives. Besides the creepy fact he found out about CP's form of  polygamy from chatting with an unseen man on the internet, he gives a toast that includes an unfortunate gesture to his 2nd wife who is old enough to marry and bear a child but not old enough to share a glass of wine, legally. Actually, we didn't need to know her age or that she was too young to drink, but it must have been important to him to mention it in his toast. Now he didn't remind me of a Warren Jeffs, but he did remind me of Winston Blackmore or even Willie Jessop. A creepy, faked gregariousness. I wonder why polygamy attracts these type of men?

Mama Rose Cawley survived her first day caring for 9 children under the age of 5. As we watched her struggle with kids seemingly in every nook and cranny of that house, something caught my eye. She was CLEANING. Frankly,  I would rather see her watching the children not busily cleaning the house. What if little Simon decided to give little Charlie a frontal lobotomy on the coffee table? Would she drop her cleaning rag in time to prevent a nasty accident? Or would she continue cleaning while yelling "Simon! Make sure you go through Charlie's right nostril, QUICKFAST!"   Even though she happily announced she made it through the first day, I began to wonder maybe Connie was right when she said 9 kids would be too much for Rose.

Finally, we find out that each week, CP Mike ventures into Colorado City in order to replenish his family's drinking water supply. It seems the Centennial Park's ground water is contaminated with radium. Since he can't afford the $100 a month to have water delivered to his home, once a week he travels to Colorado City's community water faucet to replenish his supply.

Now, we all know that Colorado City is not known to be very cordial to outsiders. So why would anyone with half a brain knowingly antagonize the goon squad that patrols and protects Colorado City? Yep, CP Mike would. You know what, I think the REAL reason the goon squad was taking pictures was because of all the cameras from the reality show. They could care less about former Brother Cawley. It just seems to me all of this was just so....silly. And those 3 containers provides drinking water for a family of 22 for one week? I don't think so. Hell, just pay the $100 for water delivery and be done with it. Sorry CP Mike, no sympathy from me!

Next week, the season finale!

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