Review: S04 Ep05 Nesting ....

For some strange reason, this week's episodes seemed kind of...Oh, I don't know...a little off or something. And then it hit me: Episode 5 should have been about the Browns business plans and housing woes, with Episode 6 taking on Valentine's Day and Meri's Infertility.

So I've made an executive decision and magically remixed the episodes into a more logical sequence.

First up, we have Kody lamenting about the living conditions of his families. You see, he wants, he NEEDS his families to be living closer together. He complains that his children no longer act like siblings. Kody says he "...needs exposure to all the children, every single day."

So he has found the perfect property --- a gated cul-de-sac with 2 homes almost completed. He figures Janelle and Christine, who have 12 children total, can move into the completed homes if they can qualify for financing.

Now, let's take a step back and think about this situation for a moment. Those houses are huge, maybe in the $450K range. That's approximately a mortgage payment of $4500 per month, not to mention food costs, utilities, insurance...you get the picture.

They must be pulling in a lot of moola from old TLC...

Kody and wives meet with Mona, the real estate lady and Tanya, a loan officer. Basically, Tanya says as soon as Janelle can provide their financials to her, she can work a little magic and start contacting lenders. She is extremely optimistic. (snark alert: she must not have taken a look at the Browns' CBR yet)
Kody feels its a dream, Robyn feels like it could be reality, and Janelle just says "...I'm actually surprised she said there was hope. I pretty much figured she'd say no way."

Hey Janelle, I'm with you on that one. Three bankruptcies in 20 years can certainly put a damper on anyone's quest to find affordable financing.

So while Tanya crunches her numbers, we see Janelle in her home office, working on her business plan for Fundamental Fitness.
 As she prepares for a family business meeting, Janelle explains why the fitness center, which originally was Kody's idea, is now her passion. As Janelle explains it, working out has given her "...an excitement ...about life again". Her goal is to create a gym where out of shape people can start at a "basic" level and regain their lives by getting back into shape.

She just needs to present her business plan to the family for their approval. Since she has known these people for many years, she says "...they probably will stomp on some of it... [ I just need to] be professional and remember that...even though this is my family, ...I have to check into a different mindset."

At the meeting, Kody is not enthusiastic about Fundamental Fitness at all. "What's going on..." he asks Janelle. When Janelle gives her estimate of $2.25 per square foot, Kody is not buying it, at all. He quickly (too quickly if you ask me) figures out that this venture will cost $22,500 - money he feels will be drained from his successful "marketing" venture. And when Janelle mentions they need 1000 people to pay membership fees, well, let's say the Kodster was less than enthusiastic and clearly perturbed with this business plan. "Here's the thing..." he begins. "We don't know what we're doing with this...they are going to ask us to personally sign for the monthly rent. So a failure means a bankruptcy..." And we all know Kody has a LOT of experience with bankruptcies in the last 20 years.

Anyway, it's rather disheartening to watch Kody shoot down Janelle's proposal, especially since the fitness center was originally his own lamebrain idea he enthusiastically presented to the family last year. Christine, who has been very critical of Kody lately, offers the following assessment of Kody's entrepreneurial style: " I thought this business meeting was really frustrating to be honest. What I've noticed in the past was if Kody doesn't want to do it, then it kind of loses the power, and then we don't do it." Of course Kody interjects his explanation in Christine's face when he says "Christine, that actually wasn't my intention. My intention was to discover whether this was feasible for us."

As usual, Janelle takes the defeat in stride, but she adds her own little jab at Kody's fragile ego "What I take exception to is when [ Kody says if he] 'is not excited, you better sell it to me.' I'm thinking...why do I have to sell this to you? " Now we get another glimpse of the not so nice and friendly Kody monster. Crazy eyes flashing, he says "When we start talking about these hard numbers, I'm like going...ok, we gotta make sure we got the energy and the financial ability to do it. That's all I was doing...I want to do it right." Yeah, Kody, you certainly have shown the viewing audience a lot of your work energy.

And pray tell, what has Robyn done right with her online store that is STILL, as of today, OFFLINE?

Kody just tell us one thing. Did you lose your enthusiasm for this particular pipe dream when the investor walked away? Something tells me you wanted the investor to assume all the risk and provide a majority of the financial backing. You actually brought nothing to the table, except for your inflated sense of 'celebrity' because of a reality show. Did the original investor see through your hype and exited the scene before losing a lot of money on a man who refuses to WORK at anything other than stroking his own ego while flipping his hair?

 Kody is looking more and more like a tool as this season wears on. Maybe TLC should rename  this episode Kody: A Real Tool

So what's happening with the home loans?


Well, the minute I saw Kody telling all the kids that their dreams of the beautiful cul-de-sac homes were about to come true, I thought, now why would he do that without knowing for sure he was going to get the financing? This guy really is a child - and to think he's got 4 women to buy into his crazy nonsense. Unbelievable...

After an appropriate period of time, Tanya the loan officer calls up the Kody Krew for a meeting. You see, she's got some kind of good news and some not so good news. To normal people, the kind of good news would actually be bad news, but with the Kody Krew, I suppose you hope for the best  and forget about the rest.

Robyn, looking more dour than usual in her couch interview, says " Well I hope she's gonna hand us a miracle, cuz we need ta ah-qualify for the loans and then we also need to be able to afford the payments...so it's...a tall order" Tall order? Holy moly, can you imagine the look of terror on that loan officer's face when she started analyzing their financials. The credit bureau reports alone probably made her heart skip a couple of beats!

But when everyone convenes around the table, oh man, it does not look good. Tanya is looking a little frazzled around the edges, and where the heck is Mona the real estate lady? And then, Tanya starts talking about this "all or nothing" requirement set forth by Kody.

All or nothing? What's that all about? Well, as briefly explained by Tanya (for the viewing audiences benefit, no doubt) Kody has stipulated that he would only buy in to the cul-de-sac homes IF and only IF all four homes belonged to him. No outsiders, no sharks need apply. All four houses must belong to Kody Brown and his loving wives. They must be all next to each other, like the Henricksons' houses were in Big Love.

That's where the similarity ends between Big Love and Sister Wives. In Big Love, the patriarch Bill owned his retail store chain called Home Plus. In the real world of reality television, Kody only owns...wait a minute let me think about this...oh yeah, a plyg house in Lehi, a Lexus convertible and lots of bottles of Rogaine. And an undisclosed salary from TLC. Not quite the successful business man yet, but give him time...lots and lots of time!

Tanya gives the "good" news first. "We've got some financing available!" she says. Why does Tanya look like she has something nasty in her mouth? Christine is so excited, she jumps up and down in her seat. Janelle expresses her amazement and Kody gives her his usual heartfelt "You rock!". Only, Tanya's looking a little stressed. And Robyn's not looking very happy, and that ain't ever good. "We are going to be doing some not traditional financing initially..." she says. ARE YOU SERIOUS? I yelled at my TV. I thought that type of financing was made illegal when the housing bust occurred. Well, apparently not because not only will the Browns have an interest only loan with a high interest rate, they will be required to make a substantial 40% down payment. Gasps can be heard...Janelle says "Ouch!!" under her breath. Of course, after giving his best Johnny Carson imitation, Kody says in his talking head "...so when she delivers the terms, it's double in costs what we thought it would be.."

Yikes, that's what happens when you have 3 bankruptcies in 20 years!

Level headed Janelle of course says "I think the family needs to talk about this first...to understand how much money we're talking about". Well let's see, courtesy of our own DakotaJustice, one of the houses was $450,000.00. Four houses would be a total of $1,800,000.00. Forty percent of $1.8 million is, hold on to whatever you got handy, a whopping $720,000.00. Almost three quarters of a million dollars! That's a lot of money...even for the Browns! Robyn was just concerned with what the payments would be - trust me Robyn, you can't afford it. And of course, master businessman Kody is surprised to learn he would be paying double what he's paying now just renting. Gee Kody, bankruptcies are a b****, ya know! Maybe you should of thought about the future consequences before you filed. You need to downsize your dreams mister, because you got champagne tastes with a tap water credit rating.

And then Tanya gave them the 'bad' news...seems Mona was out 'sick' (yeah right) but she did let Tanya know that one of the houses already sold. Kody, now seeing his cue for a face saving exit strategy, comes to the conclusion ah...maybe we should downsize to something more affordable. Yeah, like maybe four doublewides out in the desert somewhere. Kody decides maybe to start with two homes. Robyn was not amused. Her dreams have been shattered. It's apparent she doesn't want to share a home with a sister wife. What a b**** she is.

And with that, the Browns go back home, to break the news to the kids. The big homes are no more. Maybe 2 homes instead, in a regular cul-de-sac.

It's pretty sad to hear the older teenagers saying they never bought into their parent's dream gated cul-de-sac. Apparently, this isn't the first time a big dream of Kody's doesn't pan out.

And sadly, it probably won't be the last time.

Stay tuned for Episode 6!