I knew this episode was going to be trouble when I realized I was watching the GEICO commericals and fast forwarding through the show. Thank you Mister Sister for Christine's tweet! Oh my gosh, where do I begin?
First, Kody takes us through a recap of the family's flight from Lehi to Las Vegas. The version without the blown tires. And then Kody then gives his version of the Bible to illustrate "there is no road map" for how many homes a polygamist man should have. And of course, Kody reminds us that he wants his families all together under one roof, or maybe under four roofs but in a cul de sac because he is tired of going from home to home (in his $60K Lexus sports car), living out of a suitcase, rotating his schedule, not seeing his kids every day. Blah, blah, blah.
Has any else noticed he wears a different watch in almost every scene?
Poor Kody....sigh....Isn't it amazing how the show is called Sister Wives, but in "reality" it's the Kody Brown and Family show. Starring Kody Brown. Co-starring Robyn Sullivan Brown. With special appearances by Meri, Janelle, and the Brown children. Guest starring Christine Brown, as a grouchy whiney baby poopy pants. Tonight's episode: The Four Lives of Kody Brown.
Party of 21, your side of the restaurant is ready!
Poor Kody. Sensing it's time for one of those weekly family get togethers, he invites us to watch him interact with his huge family. Tonight he's taking his brood out to dinner! And to all of you thinking how can he afford this, it's KIDS EAT FREE day!!! Wait, what does the fine print on the restaurant sign say? Oh yeah, only for kids 12 and under (sorry Kody, but that leaves you out) with an adult paid entree. Wow Kody. Great way to justify spending those finite resources.
The younger kids loved watching the waiter make the guacamole, especially little Truely. Heck, I loved just watching the waiter - he was cute! But let's get back on topic...
The older kids discuss how they can't wait to get back to Utah. Kody gives his plans (to be known as Pipe Dream #1) to the family - he hopes to have all four families on one property before Logan goes off to college. Gee Kody, could you be more vague? One property? What does that mean? Hey, there's a kid with his hand up, I think he wants to ask you a question Kody. Kody? Do you see him? He's on your left - between Logan and Maddie. Kody? Why are you smiling so goofy-like at someone down the table. Is that Robyn? Hey, she's mouthing something...nice Kody, I'm sure she appreciates your "And I love you!" too!" Oh never mind, Kody. That kid put his hand down now.
Aw...how sweet. Daddy Kody saying good night to the 10 other kids (that aren't Christine's because this is HER night) in a public parking lot! And boy, doesn't Robyn look pissed waiting for Kody to get to her to say good night. But he gets to her and she hugs him, and he rubs her tummy. All's well in Kodyland. Except for that old demon, jealousy.
Couch interview time. Janelle gives us a lecture about jealousy and how a sisterwife cannot compare her relationship to another sisterwife's. Because, as she puts it "that is death...When you compare, you will never ever be happy..." Wowsers, this lady doesn't pull any punches does she?
Working through the kinks
Kody admits there are problems between himself and Christine. Christine is suddenly realizing how hard her life is.
Now here is my opinion. Christine cannot come to grips that she is no longer Kody's last wife. The fertile one. The silly, " I don't believe in toasters or microwaves" airhead personna she invented so Kody would love her for her "uniqueness". She has been replaced by a newer, more fertile and, most important, needier model whose name is Robyn. And she realizes she can no longer compete. We saw this coming in season one - when it was Christine who got extremely emotional when she found out Kody kissed Robyn prior to marriage. And it was Christine who blew a gasket when Kody announced he helped Robyn pick out her wedding dress. Christine is no dummy, but
she will never leave Kody, no matter how bad she feels. She'll just keep saying "I just love Robyn" and "We miss her" when Robyn's not around. Kind of like if you say something enough times you'll start to believe it. I would be a gibbering passive-aggressive idiot if I had to live my life that way. But luckily, I'm not Christine, and thank the Lord, I am not married to Kody Brown! And Christine says there is a downside to their lifestyle. Ya think?!?
Oooh, that GEICO commercial with the missing goldfish and sushi is sooooo cute! Oops, got to get back to the show, damn!
Oh jeez, Kody talking about bouncing from home to home... give me strength. He drives his $60K Lexus sports car to Robyn's house. Robyn goes for an ultrasound to determine the sex of the baby. The ultrasound girl at first appears surprised that Robyn is giving birth to the 17th child in the family. But of course, Robyn explains that this is Kody's 17th child between 4 wives. "Oh, that's cool" the girl says, with a nervous laugh.
Robyn is so needy she is hugging Kody while he is saying grace at dinner. And has to kiss him when he's finished. How weird is that? And what the hell? She rudely interrupts Kody while he is helping her child spell fluorescent just to make sure Kody knows to meet her upstairs! Kody looked perturbed - makes you wonder how long Kody's gonna take this woman's neediness before he snaps! Oh yeah, we're talking Kody here.
Honeymoon experience. What a crock of you know what. Basically, Robyn makes Kody the center of her universe - "A cool experience...an absence makes the heart grow fonder experience". Janelle pooh poohs it as unrealistic. She probably sees it for what it is, a way to fill Kody's brain with so much Robyn that any thought of his other wives are pushed right out of his mind. So Robyn, when Kody woke up one night, in YOUR bed, and said "I love you, Meri" - Is THAT the reason you started this Honeymoon experience crap? Yeah, I thought so.
On the other hand, this could make a good home business - packaging a honeymoon experience kit targeting monogamist families as well as polygamist families! The fusion of scrapbooking and the Joy of Sex. If it's good with one wife, imagine how good it would be with 2, or 3 or more! Coming soon to a Michael's Arts and Crafts Store near you! Yeah, baby!
But Kody has another idea. In fact, he is so excited and enthusiastic about it, he made me think he forgot to take his meds. And what was his great idea? A family food franchise that is health oriented. I couldn't tell which wife was laughing when he announced this, but Christine covered her face and Janelle just stared at him. Come to find out, Janelle has had enthusiasm about other projects which eventually the family shot down. So she's not sharing Kody's enthusiasm about his newest idea.
Take my advice, Kody. Run with the Honeymoon Experience Kit.
Or better yet, why not look for real jobs and WORK. Meri mentions she wants to go back to working with at risk youth. But in the Sisterwives sans Kody couch interview, leave it for Robyn to say jokingly to Meri "You're trying to not be a part of my family anymore! [nervous laughter from the other wives] You like living apart! You want to go get a job all by yourself! You keep talkin about how we're in different places! YOU SAID WE WERE GONNA BE A FAMILY!" Well, I think Robyn was joking. But maybe not. How does that old saying goes? Oh yes, Many a truth said in jest. Nice, Robyn. That woman can't hide a damn thing can she?
Next scene, Kody drives his $60K Lexus sports car to Meri's house. Kody and Meri and Mariah go to the park on a romantic date. Mariah lets Kody know she's going back to Utah as soon as she can. How nice, Kody's watching Meri and Mariah packing because they are leaving town but they will be back in time to find out the sex of Robyn's baby. Remember when I mentioned Kody saying "I love you Meri" while in Robyn's bed? Did you think I made that up? Well guess what, I didn't. And Kody told Meri what he did. And Meri said "Oh hell...Oh my god!" And Mariah was NOT amused.
Kody drives his $60K Lexus sports car to Janelle's. We see Kody actually having dinner with Janelle and kids. After dinner, he and Janelle take a ride to look at some property - for building the "big house" or the four houses on one lot. I call this Pipe Dream #1 Redux.
Oh look, some Janelle honeymoon experience pictures of a young Kody with his firstborn Logan. Kody looks a lot better with short hair.
Wow, I never realized that apparently Christine and Janelle have big screen TVs. I don't even have a big screen TV. Where the heck do these people get the money? Oh, I think I know how. It's a long word and it starts with a "B" and ends with a "Y". Okay, you're right. That was harsh. How about it's three letters that describe how Kody Totally Looks Cool. And now, thanks to the Sperminator, Janelle's big screen is firmly mounted on her wall above the fireplace.
HA! HA! That GEICO commercial with the rowing guinea pigs is so funny. Especially the one saying Row...ROW.... oops, did I do it again? Sorry....
So now we get to the part that we've been waiting for, the announcement of the sex of Baby Brown cooking in Robyn's oven. But first, Christine talks about her unhappiness" and "internal conflicts" with Kody. She doesn't feel special anymore. Poor Christine! In the Couch Interview with Kody and wives, Kody talks about trying to be everywhere at once, but not really "being" there. He makes a deal with his wives, by vowing "...to be center and present when we move..." Now, I'm assuming this is when they move onto the "one property" he mentioned at the Mexican restaurant. Christine asked "You promise that you're going to give more centered, focused time if we all live together?" and Kody responded "I will be present" - whatever that means. To me, that's like saying "I was present" after the car you're driving rear-ends a police car. He has no interest in changing, it's up to his wives to change. And Kody's communication skills suck eggs.
Christine, your relationship with Kody is evolving. Deal with it, get back to "your core". And you need to explain to Paedon, Mykelti and Aspyn that it's never a good idea to handle a turtle while eating food. Can you spell S A L M O N E L L A ?
Baby Gender Time
Oh goody, Robyn and the rest of the family converge on Christine's house to watch the ultrasound movie. Aw, there's the baby's spinal cord. And there's the baby's eyes! And look! What's Robyn pointing at? Why it's a little dangly thing...IT'S A BOY!!!
And my DVR stops on Kody's face and goofy eyes. It has had enough.
Written by Cynical Jinx
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People magazine reports Solomon Brown made his appearance this morning at 2:02 AM.
