“Painting
Us With Their Experience?”
That’s
the name of the episode. It’s not true though. This was
the theme of Kody’s comments – that we were painting them with a
broad brush (generalizing all polygamy to be abusive.) This was
handy, but we didn’t do that. I don’t believe that Kody
physically abuses his wives or children. I think their family
is unique, and quite frankly, special.
But
it is not true that I projected my experience onto them. In
fact, that is the very reason that I brought up research. And
in case I was challenged on the validity of it, I had packed a huge
stack of peer-reviewed research and brought it along. Kody
repeatedly argued that I was “painting with broad strokes,”
meaning that I was wrongly labeling all polygamy harmful. I said it
was NOT “broad strokes.” I gave specifics.
I
explained how the Canadian government was so liberal, they legalized
same-sex marriage in 2004, and they legalized prostitution in 2012,
but when the Supreme Court of British Columbia sought to overturn the
ban on polygamy, after reviewing “the most comprehensive judicial
record on polygamy ever produced in the history of the world,”
Chief Justice Bauman declared that there was inherently too much harm
to justify legalizing polygamy.
This
had nothing to do with me projecting my own bad experience onto
them. It had nothing to do with me at all. Or them. These
are just facts.
Embracing?
At
the debate the Brown’s said being open and embracing of those
families who want to live polygamy will result in these families
feeling less likely to separate themselves into their own isolated
communities.
Kody
explained that their family should not be treated like criminals just
because other men in polygamy have abused their wives and children.
We get this. Kody said they should have the right to live as
they wish as long as they are not hurting anyone. We get this
too. But laws are not made for the exceptions.
And
most families in polygamy are not like them.
Kody’s
rationale was that if all families could be allowed to live polygamy
openly and publicly without fear, people would not retreat into
isolated groups and there would be less abuse. (Will get to this in a moment)
Rejected,
Ouch! BROWNS REFUSE Photo session and Visit! 
After
the debate, I was hoping to invite the women of the Brown family to
come to our Las Vegas studio for a super-fun, creative photo shoot,
something that would have been modest, retro and positive, but
Christine Brown immediately rejected my offer. Without
hesitating she said something like, “No I don’t think so, we’re
just on two different tracks.”
FYI
– My husband is fashion photographer Tolga
Katas.
He has a waiting list of magazines and women who want his photos or
dream of being photographed by him. I was surprised and
confused by Christine Brown’s response, so I tried to
clarify.
“You
mean you can’t have a photo shoot done by someone who has different
beliefs from you?”
In
my happy world, people can have different views and beliefs and still
be friends. That’s freedom.
Christine
fumbled for words and it was a really uncomfortable moment for me.
I even blushed, looked at the camera guys filming me and said, “Well,
that was awkward.” I felt like I was in junior high, and a group of
girls rejected my invitation to be friends because I didn’t have
the same beliefs or skin color.
What
Went Wrong?
Then
questions and realizations started washing over me in waves – like
maybe Christine Brown saw me as an enemy, or someone who threatened
her “lifestyle.” (After all, I am an abolitionist.
Among other things, I actively try to help lawmakers realize how
certain religious leaders employ psychological terrorism to benefit
themselves, and how religion can be used as a tool of human
trafficking. )
Or
maybe their prophet or Bishop or Kody told the wives in advance that
associating with this particular non-believer was off limits.
Or maybe I was just too evil.
But
here’s what I realized. The moment Christine Brown shut the
door to my offer, the Brown’s entire argument about how
decriminalizing polygamy would create an openness & transparency
that would stop isolation & abuse from happening – just flew
out the window, fell to the ground and buried its head in the mud.
They want the world to be open and embracing of them, but they don’t
return the favor for people who are different.
I
wanted to be friends. My door is still open. If their
answer remains a big fat “NO THANK YOU,” it’s no big deal
for me.
But
they also slammed the door on associating with Kristyn Decker, their
own family member, for the same reason. Something
in the Brown’s religious
What Their Group Believes.
The
elect and chosen people of God must associate with others like them.
Whites and blacks cannot intermarry. Gay marriage is forbidden,
there are different rules for men and for women, and the list of
policies and restrictions goes on. It’s so very legalistic, I
can’t help but worry about them. Christ was about loving and
forgiving one another. Perfect love casteth out all fear,
remember? Yet while we were getting ready for the debate, we
were told we had to enter the building at a different time and
through a different door so the Brown’s didn’t have to see us.
Christine Brown wouldn’t come out of the bathroom for ages because
she didn’t want to see Kristyn. Kristyn was filled with
excitement, hope, anticipation and good will at the thought of seeing
and hugging her neice Christine. But it seemed as if Christine
Brown and family were filled with a fear of her own making.
Like
they wanted to drum up a reason to feel attacked. But there was
no antagonism or attacking going on, at least from our end.
There was no hatred, no name-calling, only love and hope and offers
for friendship. The Brown’s saw the world from a false reality.
All four of us wanted to go to dinner with them afterward. We
were open and embracing. The Brown’s misjudged us and rejected us,
not the other way around.
Is
Fear Really Freedom?
The
Brown family is unique, but even they have their walls of fear.
Legalizing polygamy will not change this. Nothing will stop
true believers from isolating themselves, or gathering the righteous,
like-minded people together so they can better follow their religion.
But
if the Browns, (the best example of living patriarchal polygamy on
the planet), do so because they are indoctrinated by a religion that
requires it, remember that it is this same religious mindset that
calls for them to shun the disillusioned members, separate themselves
from those who have a crisis of faith, cover their ears and discredit
former members when they speak about their painful truths, and
demonize those who question their way of life.
It’s
the epitome of kicking a person when they are down, pouring salt in a
wound or adding insult to injury – multiplied by the former value
of your soul. When the members of the AUB or other polygamist
sects abide by this policy of shunning wounded defectors, then all
members are aware of the painful consequences that they too might
face if they do not tow the line, or if they maintain a loving
relationship with someone who is speaking out about their own bad
experience.
That
must be a terrifying thought to the members of the sect, hence,
people like sweet, mild-mannered Kristyn Decker become reframed as
people to fear. And families like the Browns create their own
victimization in their own minds. This limits their choices.
Is
that freedom? What
is the real rationale for shunning Kristyn from the extended family
she loves so much? Those
Brown women may be happy, and I think they are extraordinary
women, but they are indoctrinated, as I once was and I
hardly consider them free.
I
credit and honor these women for all the things they do so very well,
for raising incredible children, for being kind to one another no
matter how difficult it is, for trying to make a difference in the
world in their own way.
But
let’s call a spade a spade. Religiously-mandated polygamy is
a tool of manipulation and in most cases, it’s harmful. Most
families are not like the Browns. And
laws are made for the majority, not the exception.
That’s
my two cents. - Christine Marie
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What Love Is This?
Also See Christine's Story: How Could I have Believed Him? and Q and A with Christine
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